From The Fans To The Bands

Dear Bands,

You know we, your fans, love you dearly. Still, loving someone doesn’t mean you put up with all their quirks; here’s a few things that you’re doing that are annoying the hell out of us, and, together, we think we can work through.

1. The Encore Game needs to stop, right now.

Don’t play dumb. You know The Encore Game as well as we do. You finish the set, yell, ‘Thank you good nite’ then run off stage. We stomp and clap and yell until you’re won over by our endless neediness—“Oh, I guess they really do want to hear me play more”–and come back out to bask, McCartneylike, in our devotions.

We know you’re going to do an encore. I mean, come on; you didn’t even play that song. You know, the one song you wrote that was all over the radio. The one we love? The one that you immediately tried to distance yourself from?

Yeah, that one. You didn’t play it yet. We noticed.

PS You tipped your hand when you left the house lights down after leaving the stage the first time. We noticed that, too.

2. Please quit describing your sound as ‘like Radiohead.’ Which era? Kid A? OK Computer? Effin’ ‘Bodysnatchers?’

Radiohead are one of the biggest, most progressive bands to ever sign a record deal. We are living in a world where their influence can be felt in literally every genre of music. To say you sound like them is like saying you eat toast. Everyone eats toast.

Except, I guess, in this metaphor, there is hardly anyone in the world that knows how to make toast. We just eat it.

3. Be careful with your banter between songs. Anecdotes are good. We love to hear the meaning behind little in-jokes in the song, or why the title doesn’t match the lyrics. However, we hate to hear drawn-out declarations of personal philosophy and exhortations for the audience to better themselves.

Did you check out the Ignatieff clip above? That worked out well for him, eh?

a) As a corollary to this, please don’t say that a certain song is about being true to yourself. It’s kind of like when you were in high school, and you used to say that every novel was about identity: while it may be true, technically, in using that it also becomes true that everyone you speak to thinks you just couldn’t think of a real answer.

4. The jury’s still out on using cassette tapes to release EP’s. In the 2000’s, when people started releasing stuff on vinyl again, that was cool. The audio quality was better than crappy, poorly-compressed MP3’s, and it was hard to digitize the record to give it away for free.

What’s the business case for the cassette tape? Does anyone even have a tape deck anymore? I had a tape deck in my old Ford Escort that I drove 10 years ago. I also had two copies of ‘Sports’ by Huey Lewis. Please note that I no longer have either of those things.

Come on, bands. Don’t take it too hard. NXNE is coming up, and you’re playing, right? Think of it as an opportunity for us to work through this together.

Signed,

Your Fans

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s